Pictures from Memorial Day

I know it's almost July, but I finally down loaded the pictures from the Memorial Day and the picnic in the park after.

memorial day

Even though it was nice to see all the flowers around the headstone, there is a part of me that still just wants to scream at the world, it is so unfair!!!!!!!!!

deja vu

We were at my sisters house tonight for a birthday party and it was fun and I was sitting on the edge of her couch and I had this flash back to a moment that I had had when Cole was little.

He was probably only 6 or 7 months old and I was sitting on the couch holding him in one arm and my new niece, who was about 3 months old, in the other and they were just about the same size, she was maybe just a little smaller, and I was overwhelmed for a moment with feeling what it was to hold 2 babies in my arms, the way it was supposed to be, and I just sat there and cried. My b-i-l, came in and saw me distressed, offered to take his little daughter, but it felt so good to hold 2 babies, even though it was heartbreaking too.

for a second tonight that feeling came back, that memory. I still wish there were 2 here to hold.

Journal Entry

I had been working nights in order to have our kids out of a daycare setting, I had already had strep throat from work and shortly after that I started to throw up and I knew I had taken care of people with the stomach flu. I was beginning to hate working where I was because I was catching everything that was airborne, or so I thought. My period was late, I was throwing up, and after 9 years of infertility I called my Dr. to ask for a shot to start my late period. I knew I was not pregnant. I felt pregnant, my period was late, but in my rational brain I was not pregnant. I think even then in my heart I still had hope. My doc said take the pregnancy test and bring it up with a negative and they'd give me the shot. So of course I went to the store and bought the cheapest test I could find, went home and peed on the stick. It was positive. I still have this memory of sitting on the toitet watching those pink lines show up and my husband saying "well?" and telling him it was positive. His only response was, "how cheap was the test?", the cheapest I could find of course, I wasn't wasting money on this!

a miracle

and little did we suspect at that point, the beginning of the hardest and most heartwrenching experience of our lives.


And now, that I know the end of this beginning, I cry just thinking about writing it all down, so it's not forgotten, so He's not forgotten. But it matters and if I don't write it, who could?

Time to write

I was updating the music on the blog the other day and the kids came in and were kind of looking at things over my shoulder and started to watch the slide show. Before I knew it, Ian was crying, Sara was crying, Cole and Aislynn were just glued to the screen. When the picture of Ian holding Logen came on, Ian said " I don't remember holding him!, I miss him!" I realized that although Logen being in heaven is something that comes up frequently in our daily conversations, Logen's time on earth hasn't really been talked about much and my children were really little when it happened! They don't have the memories that I do. A blessing in many ways, but I can see that they don't want to forget him either. I need to write it all down.

So..

I'm going to start writing it out in posts here on the blog. This will be for my children and I, but I will leave it open to anyone to read. My family and friends know that I have a strong testimony of our Saviour, Jesus Christ, and that I am an active member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latterday Saints and that it influenced every experience I have had, I need to write it all down so it is not forgotten, so that my children know that I have a strong and firm testimony of my Saviour's love for me and that I know that my Heavenly Father knows and loves me and was mindful of me every moment of the way and often was the only one able to provide the solace and comfort I so desperately needed. I need my children to know that even in the darkest hours of our lives, Heavenly Father loves us, the Saviour loves us, He died for us! Even when I was being asked to the hardest thing a mother could ever do, return a child to Him, I felt his love and knew that he would help me through. I am grateful everyday for the knowledge I have of that love and how grateful I am that I know one day, Logen will be mine to raise again!

little things

Isn't it interesting that grieving happens at moments, not on a timeline. Time helps, that is true but it only takes a thought or a smell and I am back in that moment of loss and it is just as fresh as the original moment. It doesn't last long and I have learned a long time ago how to control my emotions, but inside I'm shaking and crying. All it was was Cole laying his head on my chest for a moment in church and I looked down at his head and it just hit me, Logen's not here. He will never be here. I will never have this moment in mortality with him. The pain and grief just go through me all the way to my soul. I had Aislynn wanting to sit on me and Cole trying to get his share and I thought there should still be one more little boy, pushing to get on my lap, but he's not here. It only lasted a moment. I think I will always have a piece of my heart that just aches for what might have been.

Twinless twin

On our flight from San Diego we flew with a set of young adult identical twin boys. OOOHHH it made my heart ache! Just for a moment I caught a glimpse of what might have been, instead I have a sweet little boy who points to the picture on my wall and says " I miss Logen!" All I can say is me too Cole, me too.

grieving causes insomnia

I know my last post was full of self-pity and it's not that I really feel self-pity, it is just that I am overwhelmed sometimes by the task ahead of me, living my life in such a way that the Lord can't deny me the opportunity to raise Logen. I'm so human and I constantly make mistakes and I fumble around as a parent and I am afraid that I'm not good enough to be his Mom. At least if he was here I would have the opportunity, screw ups and all, to be his Mom. I want that more than anything. I want with him, what I have with my other children... a lifetime.

How could Heavenly Father think that I could possibly do this for the rest of my life? It feels so hopeless sometimes. I don't know how to earn him back.

I miss him

I'm longing for him tonight. cole is getting so big and my memories seem to be getting smaller.

Thinking

I think too much. I think that is why I have stayed sooooo busy since Logen died. I remember the doctor telling me to go home and take it easy and thinking yeah right, I have 3 kids at home, one in the NBICU and a funeral to plan and I felt like I was being sucked into a void so full of pain that I couldn't breathe. I stayed up cleaning until I could collapse and go to sleep without thinking about where Logen was. I tried to do that everynight, not sleeping or quitting until I could just collapse. It didn't work.

I still haven't figured out how to turn off my thoughts and just not think about it. It doesn't bring me to my knees like it used to. But I realize in this break from school where I am only working full time and trying to keep up with my family, that maybe going back to school was a way of staying too busy to think. It didn't work either.

I am finally realizing that it's okay. I wish I had the personality to just accept and move on. Chad is much better at that than I am. I have to think it to death. It doesn't change anything. I just have to keep trying to wrap my mind around it. trying to make it be okay. I have learned that those kind of feelings come from the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, and they come when I need them the most, not always when I want them, because...

because the Lord allows us to be tried in the refiners fire, to become what he wants, He knows that he doesn't need to remove our trials but that we can overcome everything, EVERYTHING, that we have to face if we will turn to him and let our Savior carry what we cannot, HE makes up the difference, whether we believe or not, He does, and I now Know this, not just believe it,

because the Lord understands how much I love my son and he has let me know that my sorrow is a Godly sorrow and I have his permission to grieve as long as I don't let it hinder my progress back to him and back to Logen with the rest of my family intact,

Because my Father Loves Me and knows that in the end, I will have all I have mourned for and more returned to me a Hundred fold if I will just hang in there and do my best, so he really hasn't taken anything from me, if you look at this in an eternal perspective. I just have to remember not to think like a mortal. It's hard.

but I'm trying.

It has been 3 1/2 years and I am finally able to be more thankful than sad, I'm thankful he is mine, I'm thankful that I got to hold him, and touch him, I'm thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed me so abundantly. I have known true sorrow, but I now recognize joy and I am thankful for it. I am thankful for the clarity of purpose that the grief and difficulty of allowing Heavenly Father to ask for the return of my son so soon has given. I am still striving for the patience and the grace to bear it with serenity. I am thankful that I was not asked to send both of our sons back to him so soon. I am grateful for my grief and the compassion and ability to be compassionate to others as a result of my grief. I am grateful for a plan of salvation that promises me his safe return if I remain faithful. I am grateful for the opportunity to raise his brothers and sisters and I am trying to do it right.

But I still have moments when the memories are strong and I miss him.

Memories of places no mother should have to be with their baby.

Memories of the amazing amount of love and support of those around me, bearing me and my family up when we were weak.

I have been blessed with an abundance of Love in my life and I'm grateful.






Why is tonight so hard?
I don’t know…
Somedays my grief is as heavy
As the whole wide world

Other days it is
Light enough that I can
Walk, Laugh, live and love

But always it is with me
It is my constant companion
Always there

some days
It is a thousand pounds
And the weight
Feels like it will steal
My breath, and
I can barely
Take a step
because the weight
Is too much

So why is tonight so hard?
The answer is
Like all of the other questions
That I have asked on this
Journey,


I don’t know.


But God does,

And he will
Lift the weight of the
World for me
Until I feel strong enough to
Try again.

So, I will continue on
And trust that in the morning
I will have the
Strength to pick up this
Burden and take it along
And that maybe
It will be easier to
Carry with
The beginning of
another day.

Christmas

Christmas was good this year. I have been teary a lot. There isn't a single part of it that I don't think of Logen and miss him. Shopping for gifts, wrapping presents, singing carols with the kids, decorating the tree, hanging the socks. I did really pretty good until it came time to fill the socks. I had nothing to put in his sock. I just sat in my room and cried because no matter how much I want it to be different, it isn't. It was very hard to bring his sock back downstairs empty and hang it on the mantle instead of lay it out with toys and wonderful christmas things for him to open.

I realize that the gifts that I can give him are not as tangible as the toys that the other children have gotten. But the gifts that I can give him will be not just for him but for all of his family. He wants us to be together, I have had this witness so many times! He love his family and his brothers and sisters and he loves his mom and dad. I have had this witness everytime that I have cried in sorrow over the trial of having to give him back to the Heavenly Father instead of keeping him here to raise. He is patiently waiting for his Mom to figure it out and get it right and I think he has more faith in me than I do. But I will never quit trying.

My gifts to Logen this year:

More frequent temple attendance
Scripture reading as a family
Truly try to have Family Home Evening every week
and more sincere praying for help in being the best Mom I can be.


As hard as this trial continues to be, it definitely is motivating me to do the right things and try harder, because it does matter!!!

Merry Christmas Logen,
Love
Mom

Missing Logen

This is the first year that I have really looked forward to having Christmas. The first year was so hard, it was only four months after losing Logen and I was just unable to feel the joy of the season, the next 2 Christmas's were better but still hard. It is a time of year that I really feel the separation from him. I want to see his face and buy him gifts and hold him.

All things that will have to wait.

I have been shopping and collecting for a couple of months now for the other kids and the drive to donate a service in Logen's memory has kind of been missing, it has diminished as my grief has, but all of the sudden it is there. I am crying as I realize that the only gift I can give, service to others, I almost didn't do it, and my son would know that I had no gift for him this year.

December is also Twin to Twin Transfusion Awareness Month, I think I will try and figure something out to help with this awareness in his memory.

While I am wishing I could spend Christmas with my Savior, Logen will be blessed to able to do just that. I hope he comes home for some of our Christmas day too.

I love you Logen

Season's Changing

I remember the first year how sad I was as Summer drifted into Fall and how hard it was to have a visual reminder that time was passing, that no matter how badly I wanted time to stop for my grieving, aching heart it marched on. I remember crying with the first snow, another season had passed since my sweet son had died and my heart continued to break and time was not healing, not yet. 3 years later I still have moments of that sadness hit me as seasons change, especially fall and winter because of how hard it was the first year. I still miss him. I still feel an ache in my heart with the change of summer to fall and fall to winter. But in the spring I am so grateful for new growth and green and I am reminded that my spring will come and I will have him by me, along with all of his brothers and sisters and the sorrow will be gone forever. I still miss you Logen.

Parties in Heaven

I'm sitting here with Cole behind me on the chair, squished into the little spot between me and the back of the chair. He is still in his halloween costume and trying to talk me into more candy, the day was full of fun and joy. I hope there are holidays in Heaven, times like the joy of being a little boy on Halloween, I hope that Logen had a good Halloween.

Psalms 38: 8

I am feeble and sore broken....


What do I cling to if my grief is gone?


Psalms 147: 3

He healeth the broken in heart, and bindeth up their wounds.


I just need to trust Him

thoughts and feelings

My grief has been my emotional tie to Logen for so long (at least on my side of the veil) that now that it is mostly gone I feel a little like a boat without an anchor, what ties me to him now? I find myself searching for an emotional connection that is as strong as the grief was. My love is there but it is a little more intangible than my grief. My grief was physical and I had physical reactions to thinking about Logen that aren't there anymore. I'm am grateful for the peace after hurting for so long, but I feel a little adrift and unsure how to keep an emotional connection to him. I still don't ever want to foret anything, not even a minute.

I am finally at a point that I want to Journal a lot of my experiences in getting through the grief of losing Logen. It is strange, I wanted to before now, but it was too painful emotionally, and now that I'm not in that place anymore it's hard to sit down and take myself back to that place. But I still want to write it all down, so nothing get's forgotten.

I still have a lot of little things that hit me here and there, recently I was thinking how badly I want to raise Logen and my thinking has been focused on getting back to Logen, and the thought came to my mind that I needed to focus on getting back to my Savior, because that is where Logen is. That my focus needs to readjust from just earning the right to be Logen's mom in the next life, to earning the right to be in my Saviors presence, because that is where Logen is. I already knew this, but my focus has been on Logen, not my Savior, and the impression came that everytime I make a choice that takes me further from my Savior, it causes Logen pain, because it separates him from his Mom, and he want's to be with me as much as I want to be with him, but he has an absolute love for his Savior and the only choice is for me to work to be worthy enough to be in the presence of my Savior. I have a lot of work to do. But it was a peaceful and reassuring feeling. I know my Savior loves me too, and wants to be able to give me back Logen on ressurection day.

On sunday at church I was walking down the hall carrying Cole and we passed a picture of Joseph Smith and the first vision, and all morning Cole had been pointing out Jesus in all of the paintings, but when we passed this one he pointed Heavenly Father and Jesus and said "Logen lives with them, in the pretty light". He just always catches me off guard. I know he recently told me that Logen can't come play anymore, and since then has been a lot more cuddly, carrying around comfort toys and blankets and he has mentioned a lot since then that Logen has to stay in Heaven. I can't say that he is sad or crying, he seems to have a better understanding and peace with the whole situation than I do, but I have to say, he is missing his brother right now.

October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day in the US.

http://october15th.com/


This was written by a Mom who lost her son's to TTTS, it is so true.

Lessons in Life

Contributed by Amy Rocka in loving memory of
Clark Daniel and Jake Matthew Rocka 5/28/06 (21 weeks)

I've learned that you can keep going long after you think you can't.
I've learned that learning to forgive takes a lot of practice.
I've learned that friends can become strangers, and strangers can become friends.
I've learned that ignorance isn't an excuse for the lack of compassion.
I've learned that some people will never, ever - "get it".
I've learned that the community of sorrow is the strongest of all.
I've learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.
I've learned that your life can be changed in a matter of minutes.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon.
I've learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.
I've learned that love isn't measured by the amount of time you have with someone.
I've learned that some sorrow is so deep that it has no words. But so is love.

Memories

Isn't it funny how smells and sounds trigger memories. I was leaning against the desk at the nurses station and someone brought a vase of beautiful cut flowers to the desk and with the first breath in the scent had me back in the floral shop, looking at books, trying to pick out a spray for Logen's casket, picking out an arrangment of flowers from the kids for their brother, looking at shades and colors and smelling that smell, the cut flower smell of a floral shop, that I will forever connect to picking out flowers for Logen. I hope someday that the smell won't bother me so bad. I know when I first started working in the PACU down here that in the evenings one of the nurses would put on quiet music for the patients and within minutes I would feel agitated and weepy and after awhile I would sneek over and turn it off, it took me months to figure out that it created the same kind of atmosphere that was at the mortuary!! I still can't stand it, even after 3 years.

3 years later

3 years later and I am still thinking of him, I guess it will never stop and if I'm honest I don't want to ever quit remembering, he was too important. I have to think hard to remember the weight of holding his tiny little body next to my chest, in my hands, over my heart. If think and focus it is right there, I can almost smell that new baby smell and hear the little grunts and cries that he made. I am afraid of forgetting, but remembering is not a conditional thing, I can't forget the ache in my heart as they handed him back through that small window in the NICU after telling us he wouldn't make it and what did we want to do. We asked to have him back so we could hold him. I was still on the operating table, the doctor's still working on me when they handed me this small bundle wrapped in a hospital blanket, scratchy and clean, and wrapped around his tender, fragile skin. He wasn't even crying. All I could do was kiss him and touch him and talk to him about how brave I thought he was, how much I loved him and how amazed I was by him, how hard he had to work to even get here and try to reassure him that I loved him, his family loved him and try so hard to let him begin the process of returning to Heavenly Father, where he wouldn't hurt, wouldn't suffer, wouldn't have to try so hard to just get here anymore. I remember telling him how proud I was of him for trying so hard to get here. I also remember the doctor touching my shoulder and telling me he was so sorry and that he would go check on Cole. Chad had the camera going through most of that and he turned it off in order to hold Logen too. Both of us aware that time that had been so slow through the long months of pregnancy was now rushing past us, too fast, the moment when we had to let(not let, but accept that)this sweet little son of ours would return to Heaven, was coming too fast, and inspite of all the many months and battles to get him here, this last battle was already over, we would not be taking our son home to raise. Even now, three years later I can't begin to put the feelings into words. That kind of heartache is difficult to describe. 3 years later, the echo's of that heartache are still in me, but I have learned that it is survivable if I will just get up everyday and keep on. I love the life I have but I truly look forward to the day when I am handed back my son with a promise of being able to raise him.