I just wanted to put one last thought out there. Over the last ten years since Logen died the one lesson I have learned is that everyone carries some burden or sorrow that isn't visible on the outside and I have no idea what heartbreak another is going through. But I do know that every time I feel like I can't do this any more a loving Heavenly Father places a tender mercy in my path to let me know he loves me and is mindful of my journey and my longing for this little boy that will have to wait for another time and place to be filled. Usually that tender mercy Comes in the form of another person following an impulse for kindness. A soft word, a timely text, a visit or call from a friend or neighbor. Often it's something small, but for a moment it shares the weight and lifts the burden that is grief. But always I feel blessed and recognizing these tender mercies helps me find gratitude which brings peace to my heart. Don't be afraid to follow that impulse for kindness! We are Heavenly Fathers hands! You never know whose burden you can lift and make bearable for a moment. Hopefully these lessons I'm learning will help me to be a better friend and mother and sister etc... But certainly I'm grateful to all of the people in my life and my families life that have brought those tender mercies that we needed when we needed them because they followed that impulse to do something kind.

I'm missing him tonight. My heart is aching. Its hard when it hits me out of the blue, but it just goes to show that love and sorrow are connected to the person and not the time frame surrounding the loss. Someday when I am allowed to have this sweet little boy handed back to me, his body perfected, and whole, there will be tears of joy and gratitude. For now I try to remember that my Father in Heaven loves me and that my Savior loves me and that they can help me through the hard and sad times. In the meantime I have to accept and expect that these moments will accompany me until I'm done in this life and I know that tomorrow will be better. It almost always is.

8 years and counting.....................

Still Lurking

I haven't posted in a long time. I still come here. I reread. I think. I say his name every day. Out loud. Sometimes even to someone else. I still think about him multiple times a day. He is still part of me, at the sub-cellular level. I still look and lurk on other baby lost blogs. It helps to know that this lifelong missing him is a universal theme. I read it in posts from those new to being baby lost, and to people like me who are several years into it, having moved back into mainstream life and all its complications and difficulties, joys and triumphs, even moving on to the next baby and learning to live with the gaping spot where Logen should be and isn't, not physically, certainly his spot will always be his spot. It is reassuring to know that even 6 years later, its ok to still miss him and want him. I think I have gotten good at living life again, my family has also gotten good at living life without him here and yet he is still here, always here, in the place in my heart that belongs only to him. They each have their permanent spots there, in that old, tattered and sometimes worn out muscle, but his spot is still tender. I am here tonight listening to the music that I connect with him and reading other posts and others blogs.

Christmas was easier.... kind of...

It was weird almost.

Christmas was not awful.

Putting up his sock, taking down his sock, shopping for everyone but him.... all of the things that have been hard, year after year after year... were okay this year. I'm not saying that he wasn't on my mind often, but it wasn't debilitating...

December was incredibly busy at work. There wasn't time for even holiday baking. Maybe that is the difference because as I sit here in January with time on my hands to blog I almost feel sad that I wasn't as sad.

It is another milestone passed. Does it mean that I am forgetting him. How important he is, was , will always be? I hope not. I have become so accustomed to grief as an underlying constant companion, even when I'm happy, that having it be completely gone at moments is almost disorienting.

Who am I without the grief? Am I still as completely his Mom? Grief is like my umbilical cord link to him. If it's gone is my connection to him also going? I don't quite know how to stay emotionally connected to him, the memory of him, and have there be no grief.

I think I'm going to have to learn how to keep him with me in a new way. It never stays the same. Maybe it was just the busy this year. Here in January I feel grief creeping around the edges of my consciousness, tiptoeing around, trying to decide whether or not to replant in the familiar corners of my psyche. Maybe not all gone, but certainly diminished.

His 6th Birthday

Yesterday was his 6th birthday.
There was no school clothes shopping,
there was no party,
there was no him,
and yet,
he is with me all day,
all month.
His memory has taken center stage this year.


August is long.


Thinking of him all the time. It disrupts my day at work. Tears are always right at the surface. These last couple of years August has been so very busy, so busy I barely had time to grieve. I wanted to. Just couldn't fit it in. This year has demanded that I grieve. I don't want to, and can't seem not to.

August is long.

Tears are frequent and close to the surface.

Sometimes I see people talking to me, but his memory,
the memory of all those days and weeks leading up to August 19th,
have demanded that I listen to them, not the people in front of me, speaking to me through the fog and haze of my grief, I can't seem to hear them.

August 23rd still looms. Memories of cemeteraries and services and days that no mother should have breathe through, let alone survive.

I am still standing.

August is long.

How after six long years can the grief be so potent, so painful again?
How can this have happened? How? How? HOW!?

August has not been Cole's alone this year. Logen's memory has demanded his time and space. My grief has demanded some time and space.

I am back to that last ragged nerve. It isn't holding up. My temper is edgy and unpredictable, my self doubt at an all time high. Could we possibly have done anything more? Why do I torment myself. Six years later, there is no other outcome. Just grief.

Milestones

6th memorial day done. Check.
Headstone fixed. Check.
Still can't stand that he's gone. Check.

I love the peacefullness of the cemetery at the same time that I hate that we even have to go to the cemetery.

He has no milestones to meet. He will not, walk, talk, grow or be in this lifetime. I still feel robbed. His brothers and sisters are all on target. I may never be on target again. I still feel so damaged some days. Other days it's almost like it happened to someone else until I start to really think about it. Really remember. I've gotten good at ignoring and getting on with my life. Check.
It still sucks. Check.

Time is sneaky

It's been almost a year since Logen became a big brother. My sweet little boy who only had 6 short hours on earth is a big brother to his precious little sister who has now outlived his 6 short hours by

8,370 hours,

349 days,

11.5 months.

The closer her birthday gets the harder time I am having.
How does that make sense?
Her birthday has nothing to do with his.
And yet it keeps coming at me, the thoughts in my head, pounding away at this terrible math problem. I miss him. He has been gone 49,026 hours by the time today is done. That feels about right. It sounds like a big number, it feels like forever.

It has been a long time since the longing for him has gotten strong enough to send me to this blog. My arms feel empty again tonight.

Headstone troubles

So, at the bottom of this blog is a picture of Logen's headstone. Which, in the 4 years that it has been at the cemetery, has been hit repeatedly with a lawn mower. Rust streaks, chips out of the sides of the block, broken vases etc. you name it and it has probably happened to his headstone, which is a beautiful memorial to our sweet little Logen, which obviously the lawn mower person cares about not at all. I get that. But I would love to send him the bill for replacing it. Think in the thousands here. Anyway, I've tried calling the city, to find the caretaker, who doesn't really exist and I have never been able to get a straight answer on who I could talk to fix this situation. I have placed cheap fencing around the base as a "visual reminder" to the person running the mower that there is a 20" tall headstone here, watch out. Obviously, this was not enough. On Memorial day we noticed that the vase was broken again from a mower hit. Going back in August the day before the boys birthday we noticed that the vase was completely destroyed. I guess if your going to do a job, you should do it well, (I'm talking about the complete destruction of the vase, not the skill of mowing around precious headstones, obviously). I have talked with the memorial company that created Logen's headstone for help in trying to clean up the rust streaks from blade hits, and whether or not the chipped spots that have been gouged out could be repaired, we have payed to have the vase replaced, etc. It has been an ongoing conversation over the last 2 years . They have been great. He has even gone to the city council and tried to get some help in stopping the damage. But Alas, the damage has continued. I emailed again asking them to order another vase and explained the situation, I even said if they would show us how to replace it and let us buy the adhesive we would replace the vase whenever it needed it (thinking annually, semiannually) but I hadn't heard back. I gave up. We would have to live with the fact that this beautiful stone would continue to be damaged, year after year thinking that at some point we would have to pay to have the entire thing replaced.


Last night I had a message to call the memorial company.

They have taken his headstone back to their shop, they are repairing what they can, cleaning it, and pouring a large concrete slab to set it on when it is replaced so that the mower has a something besides his headstone to hit. He also convinced the city to repair the road next to his headstone that has been sinking so the mower wouldn't be at an angle that kept it hitting Logen's headstone. And he said they (the memorial company, not the city) would take care of the cost of all of this, he was just sorry that it had happened in the first place and he wanted to make sure the right thing was done for Logen's memorial so that it would be beautiful forever. Wow! Crying and almost speechless I thanked him. WOW! Thanks Mark H Bott Co.!

August is done for another year.

It's such a relief to have August done. After 5 years the couple weeks leading up to the day are much worse than the actual day. My mind will probably always go back to those days and experiences leading up to Logen passing away. My mother's heart will never just completely let go. I can't make it and I'm not sure that I should, he was so important. Cole misses him too. Last night he after I tucked him in I told him I was ready to listen to his personal prayers, he prayed for his family, for his toys and at the end he prayed that we could be patient until we are with Logen again, but if it was okay with Heavenly Father he didn't want it to be too long because he missed him. Sigh.. me too buddy, me too.

Impatient

Cole asked when we get Logen back. It's time mom, he said. I truly believe in a loving Heavenly Father that will keep his promise of returning my child to me, in perfect condition, giving me the chance to raise him. Love him. Hold him. Be his mom. I know that this all comes after the resurrection. I trust my Father in Heaven. But I have to say, I'm with Cole, it's time. I'm impatient. I want it all to be now, this lifetime, not the next. I want it bad. How come if I have grieved and I'm supposedly doing better, the desire to have that little boy in my life is still so strong that it can bring me to my knees. That I sit her crying and looking at his little hands, feet, his beautiful face and just physically ache to have him back.

it has almost been 5 years. August 19th is looming again. I've been taking a biomedical ethics class to finish my degree after all of these years and the final unit is on death and dying. Not a great topic for me this time of year. It is hard to put into words the heartache I still feel, the longing to touch and feel his small little body, to smell him, to listen to him, to see him, the desire I still have to watch him grow. It has never gone completely away. As the last couple of years have come and gone my understanding of what it means to live the rest of my life without him has become clearer and in someways, that understanding, has made it harder to bear. But in many ways, life has moved on and is normal again. I keep a lot of these feelings inside. They are so repetitive. I feel them over and over again, year after year. My own personal ground hog day. But I still hurt this time of year. I wish, wish, wish he was still here. I miss my boy!

Father's Day

I know that Mother's day is a curious mix of good and grief, it always feels conflicting to me. I can't tell if it is the same for my husband. I know he has handled it all so differently from me, and yet, I can't help but wonder if he had moments today where, like me, he thought about our Logen and the fact that we celebrate being a mother or a father even when one of our children is in Heaven. Sometimes it just doesn't feel like we should celebrate. Not that. Not ever that. But we need to celebrate the beautiful children we have here. I just wish they were all here. Some days all I can think is it just stinks! He needs to be here.

Memorial Day again..

again... this will be our fifth. I look back over this blog and it's so repetitive. I have to say that in many ways that is a reflection of grieving the death of a loved child. It's repetitive. Or rather it's permanent. I deal with it more internally now than in the beginning. It was too big to bring inside me, I don't know that it is less now, but I have become acustomed to it and my ability to keep it inside me has increased. Often I think I am the only one still aching and missing him. But that too is a feeling that I often repeat... again... I was reading on a site that I just linked to from another blog and it defined a parent who has lost a child as a Bereft. I am trying to not have this define me as a person, having Logen was a miracle. But the pain has never completely gone away from that little miracle. Over the last 5 years I have learned that I still am more than a parent whose child has died. But in the beginning that eclipsed everything else. Now I feel like I can say I am.... and list many other things again. But it's Memorial Day again and at this particular moment I am once again a Bereft.

definition of Bereft @
http://kotapress.com/section_home/dictionary_intro.htm

I come here just to look at his picture. Re read my thoughts... re think my thoughts.. I'm still missing him. I want a do over and yet I know that if I had it, my sweet Sophie might not be here now.. Did he know? Is that part of why he chose to go so soon? Was he looking out for her with his wider point of view, knowing that his mother might not have allowed another one to come? Is that part of why he had to go? I'm still seeking the wisdom I lack, the peace has come over time, how many other things have I missed with my limited point of view? How much am I missing that I am totally unaware of? The older I get, dumber I am or at least I am smart enough to know how much I don't know.. make sense? probably not. but not much of this does.

I'm having such mixed emotions. Logen is now an older brother. No problems this time around. So hard at moments.... I'm still aching for him. Wishing I could have had the same with him. So grateful that I haven't had to come home with empty arms this time.... One child never replaces another, and I'm so in love with our new little one, but it does make me homesick for Logen and all of my wishing and wanting for him has been renewed in many ways. The love that a Mother feels for each of her children is as individual as they are and as big and consuming as the whole world. How did I ever let him go and survive it? I'm still trying to survive it some days. I didn't let him go, it wasn't my choice, no mother could choose that. But I'm still accepting it as part of my life, still trying to figure out how to live with it. Many thoughts this last week.

I don't want to live my life from a place of fear, but I fear many things now that weren't in my thoughts before Logen died. I fear losing another child, I fear not living a good enough life to be with Logen in the next life, I fear screwing up the children I am raising here and now. I fear..... I fear that I will be asked to do it again, soon. I know it isn't rational. Nothing about my grief and my emotions have been rational since Logen died. I have a constant battle inside myself of what is too protective, not protective enough, with my children now. It happened so long ago, and yet it is as fresh as yesterday all of the sudden. I fear forgetting him. I fear thinking of it too much because it will bring back the sorrow that brings me to my knees. I fear... Maybe someday that too will be gone, but for now it lingers with me, always lurking in my quiet moments, late at night, when I have nothing to distract me from thinking about Logen and even more than thinking of Logen himself, I think of grieving for him, my memories and hurts and the deep places inside me that are still tender and raw. I'm still trying, but I am afraid.

Christmas is over. It was a good one. It still just opens the hole in my heart when I take the socks off of the mantel and I know that Logen's will remain empty. It's always easy to put it up, I need to see his name lined up with everyone else's, but taking them down and filling them and having this empty sock just laying there kills me every year. It has become the one moment of the holiday that I just can't seem to get through. I miss him!

It's our 5th Christmas without Logen. We are decorating, cooking, putting up lights all of the usual stuff that has taken us time and years to want to do again. But still I dread Christmas shopping. I don't know that it will ever get easier to shop for everyone but him. We are still doing service for his gifts and it helps. But it's not the same. I love and hate this time of year. The sadness is so close. My heart is aching and homesick for him.

every now and then the piece of my heart that belongs to Logen opens into a hole as big as the universe and starts to bleed.

Relief

August is over, it wasn't as bad as it has been. Still it lingers in the background, all of the memories, all of the experiences. I wonder if August will just be normal ever again? I doubt it. But this year is the first year that I have hope it will get down to just one or two days that are hard and the rest of the month will just be August.

Happy Birthday in Heaven

Happy Birthday, I hope that you will be here in spirit with us for the birthday party. It's amazing to see Cole be so big, but even though he is right in front of me, I still wonder what you would look like. How would you be different, how would you be the same. This year has been better than any year in the past. I guess I have grown used to the idea of you being in Heaven. I'm grateful that it hasn't been so painful, but still missing you.

4 years

4 years hasn't diminished my desire to see him, know him, hold him. My heart still aches, it's old grief, familiar grief, and I know it will pass. I wish almost that the familiar feeling of Heaven pressing in around me and holding me up was still here. I miss the feeling around me of when the veil was so thin but as I have moved on and forward, that has gone away, but I felt so close to him then, he feels very far away now, further than it has at any other time. I know he is busy about the business of the Lord and that he knows that his mother loves him, but he also knows that inspite of my moments here in mortality when I ache for him, he doesn't need to be constantly at my side, and I miss that feeling.

It's almost August

My heart wants to hang on to you,
It tells me that I have to stay here
In the past,
Where you are
Or I’ll really and truly lose you,
Because this is where you were.

The spirit whispers in my mind,
That the way to get to you
is forward
Always forward,

Moving forward feels like
I'm Leaving you behind

Difficult to accept

It’s hard to let it go
And walk forward,
Trusting that my journey
Forward into the time
I have left to live will
In the end
Take me back to you

It still makes me cry

I'm missing you tonight. I wish you didn't have to be where you are. I still want you here.