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Jan 25, 2009

Thinking

I think too much. I think that is why I have stayed sooooo busy since Logen died. I remember the doctor telling me to go home and take it easy and thinking yeah right, I have 3 kids at home, one in the NBICU and a funeral to plan and I felt like I was being sucked into a void so full of pain that I couldn't breathe. I stayed up cleaning until I could collapse and go to sleep without thinking about where Logen was. I tried to do that everynight, not sleeping or quitting until I could just collapse. It didn't work.

I still haven't figured out how to turn off my thoughts and just not think about it. It doesn't bring me to my knees like it used to. But I realize in this break from school where I am only working full time and trying to keep up with my family, that maybe going back to school was a way of staying too busy to think. It didn't work either.

I am finally realizing that it's okay. I wish I had the personality to just accept and move on. Chad is much better at that than I am. I have to think it to death. It doesn't change anything. I just have to keep trying to wrap my mind around it. trying to make it be okay. I have learned that those kind of feelings come from the Holy Ghost, the Comforter, and they come when I need them the most, not always when I want them, because...

because the Lord allows us to be tried in the refiners fire, to become what he wants, He knows that he doesn't need to remove our trials but that we can overcome everything, EVERYTHING, that we have to face if we will turn to him and let our Savior carry what we cannot, HE makes up the difference, whether we believe or not, He does, and I now Know this, not just believe it,

because the Lord understands how much I love my son and he has let me know that my sorrow is a Godly sorrow and I have his permission to grieve as long as I don't let it hinder my progress back to him and back to Logen with the rest of my family intact,

Because my Father Loves Me and knows that in the end, I will have all I have mourned for and more returned to me a Hundred fold if I will just hang in there and do my best, so he really hasn't taken anything from me, if you look at this in an eternal perspective. I just have to remember not to think like a mortal. It's hard.

but I'm trying.
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Jan 10, 2009

It has been 3 1/2 years and I am finally able to be more thankful than sad, I'm thankful he is mine, I'm thankful that I got to hold him, and touch him, I'm thankful that Heavenly Father has blessed me so abundantly. I have known true sorrow, but I now recognize joy and I am thankful for it. I am thankful for the clarity of purpose that the grief and difficulty of allowing Heavenly Father to ask for the return of my son so soon has given. I am still striving for the patience and the grace to bear it with serenity. I am thankful that I was not asked to send both of our sons back to him so soon. I am grateful for my grief and the compassion and ability to be compassionate to others as a result of my grief. I am grateful for a plan of salvation that promises me his safe return if I remain faithful. I am grateful for the opportunity to raise his brothers and sisters and I am trying to do it right.

But I still have moments when the memories are strong and I miss him.

Memories of places no mother should have to be with their baby.

Memories of the amazing amount of love and support of those around me, bearing me and my family up when we were weak.

I have been blessed with an abundance of Love in my life and I'm grateful.






Why is tonight so hard?
I don’t know…
Somedays my grief is as heavy
As the whole wide world

Other days it is
Light enough that I can
Walk, Laugh, live and love

But always it is with me
It is my constant companion
Always there

some days
It is a thousand pounds
And the weight
Feels like it will steal
My breath, and
I can barely
Take a step
because the weight
Is too much

So why is tonight so hard?
The answer is
Like all of the other questions
That I have asked on this
Journey,


I don’t know.


But God does,

And he will
Lift the weight of the
World for me
Until I feel strong enough to
Try again.

So, I will continue on
And trust that in the morning
I will have the
Strength to pick up this
Burden and take it along
And that maybe
It will be easier to
Carry with
The beginning of
another day.
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When you accept what has happened, you aren't acknowledging that it is okay but rather, that you know you must find a way to keep growing and living-even if you don't feel like it...[Don't let] grief be your constant companion...Realize that your grief is born out of unconditional love for your child and rejoice in that love which will never end... Embracing life again is not a sign that you have stopped missing your baby, but an example of a love that is eternal.

Logen and our 6 hours of heaven on earth with him

Poetry

Poems:

Poetry helped me put into words what I was feeling, things that I couldn't explain to anyone around me, and I know they could see I was suffering, and I know that they were suffering too, and it was amazing to me how completely this intense level of grief isolated us all, we were in many ways quite literally unable to reach out to each other because for a while it is all you can do to breath and keep on trying to get through to the next moment.


Warning:These are about grieving, not flowers and sunshine, so just beware. Most of these were written in the first year after Logen died, but not all, it never goes away, it just becomes part of you.

Poetry:

Pain

I know now why losing a child is so painful.
When you conceive a child,
he is a part of you,
You give birth and he becomes his own,
Yet still yours,
When he dies,a part of you
Dies with him,
Because you are a part of him.


To Logen


I see Cole sleeping
and I worry
That you will see him again
before I see you.
So I nudge him to make sure
He is with me still,
And thatI will see you before him.

Little One

“this little one isn’t going to make it,
what would you like us to do?”
The question takes my breath.
Maybe if I never breathe again I’ll be okay.
“Please wrap him up so we can hold him”
Hold him, smell him, touch him, absorb him,
Not enough time to Last my lifetime.
His lifetime isn’t enoughTo last my lifetime
Pain is saying
Hello as I have to start
SayingGoodbye.
I don’t know how.


Moments


Six months today
and yet only a moment ago
And
Somedays it’s a lifetime
Cole’s,
Mine,
And your’s many times over.
Life is not on a linear timeline
Life is now,before Logen and
After Logen

Grief

Grief is physical
I can’t breathe
My throat hurts
I can’t swallow
It hurts my chest.
My knees bow and my
Body curves in on itself
Surrounding the pain.
Pain so big it can’t be
Absorbed by a body
So small as mine
No wonder I hurt


Sorrow

Sorrow is eternal
A bag that is mine to
Pick up each morning and
Carry with me
For the rest of
My life.
Your life is
What I pick up and
Carry with me for
The rest of my life.
I miss you and I am tired.

Finally Peace

Moments of peace
I know they are sent fromHeaven,
Maybe from you.
I hope from you.
From Heaven because
I can feel them
Drape over me,
Encompass me,
and I know they come from outside me.
Thank you for the gift of
Peace,
Even though it is only a moment.
Not from me,
Because they drift away
Softly,leaving as they
Came
momentarily

Phoenix

The refiners fire
Has left me scorched
And ashes.
I hope that like
A phoenix
I will somehow
Be able to rise
Whole andNew again.
But for now
I’m still
A smoking pile ofAshes.

I'm Alone

My grief leaves me
AloneIt has singled me out
How do you share pain like this
Without mortally wounding
The others.
So I am alone.
And yet I see other’s wounded byThe grief of mourning
The same person.
And they are alone too.
I hope you are not alone


Missing you


Do you feel me?
I wait for the day to feel you
And not
Hurt.

Still Looking at You

I keep you on my
Screensaver so that
You are part of my
Sight.
It brings me comfort
It brings Dad pain.
We go about mourning you
So differently,
And yet the depth is the same.
Endless, deep and wide.
Dad turns off the screensaver whenI’m not looking.


Your Brothers and Sisters

To Aislynn,
Logen is a picture that makes mommy cry,
For a long time, there was only one baby,
Now there is Cole and a picture of a baby
That makes mommy cry.

To Ian,Logen is an experience
He is still trying to make sense of.

To Sara,
Logen is a brother
That she is afraid to cry for at night sometimes.

To Cole,
Logen will be a story of his brother
Who literally is the
Other half of him.
I hope that you can
make
you real
For him,
because only you can.

Waves of Pain


Mourning a child is like
Swimming in the ocean
When a Tsunami is coming.
The little ripples are not enough
Warning, and by the time
The water recedes
You have already been sucked under the
Wave of crashing pain,
and you
Hold your breath,
Hoping
That you will come up for air
Before it crushes you.

Finding a Place

Where do you put your grief?
Onto paper,
Where
When you read it later,
MaybeIt will
Make sense,
Or maybe not.
But at least you
Have put it
Somewhere.

Still

I cry still,
Still I cry
I cry ‘til I’m Still,
When I’m not crying,
I sometimes feel nothing
At
All
When I’m not crying
I feel sometimes,
nothing.

How can you go from so much
To nothing
In a Moment.
That’s whatI asked
When
I
Lost you.

No Answers


Silence
Is the answer to
All of my unanswerable
Questions.
Just silence.
I guess that
Is
An
Answer.


Empty Arms


I want you in my arms again,
But all I have are pictures of you
In my arms.
They are not empty,
My arms,
They are not empty,
But they are not
As full as they
Should be
My arms
Ache for
You too.


I know

I know where you are
And still I miss you.
I know where you are
And I know that,
You know I miss you.
I know where you are,
And I know that
Heaven, where you are,
Knows how much I miss you.
I miss you.
Even though
I Know where you are.


Life's lessons


Grieving you,
Losing you,
Mourning you,
Has given my life
Depth,
Compassion,
Soul,
Sorrow,
Empathy,
And an ache to
Hold you just one more time.


Slipping through my fingers


I’m trying to remember
The weight of you in my arms
And the memory……
Like everything else about you,
Including you,
It is slipping through my
Fingers,
And everyday,
The memory
Is
Just a little bit
Farther away,
Like you.

Before you were born


On my knees Begging,
Please!
Please don’t ask this
Of me,
On my knees
Begging,
Please!,
Please change this
For me,

Silence,
Is all I hear.

On my knees
Begging,
Please!
Please, this is
My son.

On my knees Begging,
Please!
Please, not
thy will
Be done.

Silence,
Is all I hear.

After you were born


I try again.
On my knees,
Begging,
Please!
Please
help me
To understand.
On my knees,
Begging,
Please!
Please
My aching
Heart to heal,
The answers come so slow.
On my knees,
Begging,
Please!
Help me
Accept thy plan
As the right
Questions I ask,
the answersI find, slowly
And sweetly
Drift into my mind.
Warmth in myHeart, so broken
With grief
Tell me that
In this long
Road, where so
Broken I feel.
He has always
Been by
My side.
Waiting so
Patiently
In the midst of my
Cries,
To ask the right
Questions,
So answers
Could fly
Into my heart,
Healing my
Soul, so
Broken andTrampled
On this difficult road.
This trial,
Not removed
But helped to
Endure
With the love
From my Savior,
whoAlso endured.


Not Depression


It’s
deep sadness,
grief,
apathy,
not depression.
A pill won’t fix this.
I’ve heard that
it helps with the apathy,
but the grief is real,
the sadness is real,
no pill for that.

Anger


18 month later
andI’m mad
I’m angry,
I’m sad,
I’m moving on,
I’m mad that
I’m moving on,
I still can’t imagine the long years
Ahead without you,
and yet,
The first one is down,
The second one is half gone.

I HATE THIS!!!!!

Words are meaningless


Despair
Torment,
Suffering,
Anguish,
Pain,
Agony,
Inconsolable,
Brokenhearted,
Devastated,
Distraught,
Out of Control,
Shattered,
Purposeless,
Desolate,
Lost,
Abandoned,
Broken,
Damaged,
Empty,
Words can’t even begin to describe
what it felt like to lose you,
to feel my heart implode
as you silently,
peacefully,
quietly
passed from this life,
my life,
to the next.

In the Dark


The flame on my
Candle has gone out,
I’m lost in the dark,
I can’t feel you
I can’t see you,
I need you,
I’m starting to panic,
I can’t breathe,
I can feel the hot tears
On my cheeks,
I can’t even scream,
It’s not a bad dream,
It is what is left
For me to deal with
After you have
Gone on.

Apathy

It’s where I live life now.
I’m trying to care,
But that is almost too much work.
It’s time to go Christmas shopping,
And I can’t seem to buy forThe sweet children I have here
Because I can’t buy for the one
That isn’t here.
Didn’t God know that I would want
To buy for all of my children?
Apathy to pain,
my nerves are
All exposed,
I feel too much,
sometimes,it’s easier to
Feel nothing.

Insight


An unlooked for gift.
A kiss on my cheek.
Sent from you,
but delivered throughCole,
a blessing for me,
to help make mewhole.
A thought in my mind,
but I think
maybe from you.
the choice
was always
yours to make,
and the choice
was only
one life to take,
if you had stayed,
the thought drifts into
my mind,
the joys that
Cole has,
would never have come.
He would be loved,
but time would be gone,
used to help care for
the handicapped son,
so a choice
you made,
because you love
Cole too,
and knew that
we also loved you,
we were ready to
sacrifice, time, heart and
soul. Willing to
do whatever for you.
but a greater
love in your heart
and the bigger picture
you see
so ever so softly
you've sent
A thought for me,
so I could understand too.
Thanks for the kiss,
and thoughts in my mind.
I still cry tonight,
but cry now
with new insight.


RECOVERING


That day, I shattered.
I could feel the fractures inside me
spreading like a piece of breaking glass
and slowly falling into a thousand pieces.
At first, all I could do was look at the devastation
and pieces that used to be me,
sitting in a big pile, unrecognizable.
Some of the pieces so small
that I'm sure they were just dust.

Ashes to Ashes, Dust to Dust,
a new way of thinking.

I
kept trying to pick the pieces up
and they kept slipping through my fingers,
re-shattering,
the painwas almost too much to bear and keep breathing.
But the human body and mind are amazing
I was still breathing, and my mind
kept trying to piece me all back together.
It seemed like for the longest time,
I would put one piece back together
to see another piece fall off again.
I couldn't put them all back as
fast as they were falling off.

Scattered, Shattered,
shattered, scattered
terrible rhyming words

2 years later, I'm still finding
pieces.
Putting them all back together.
They mostly stay together now

A new me. Anew me.

Whichever.
I look the same, almost,
If you look close
you can still see the fracture lines,
If you look close
you can still see that
I'm Fractured.
Recovery is still a process.

Nobody should have to lose
a child,

you would think
it's un-recoverable,
and yethere I am,
still standing.

Someone said

Someone said
It’s good that you
RememberLogen
Someone said
It’s good that your
Other children
Will rememberLogen
Someone said
I admire that you
Still
Talk aboutHim
The thought
ThatLogen
Might not be
Remembered
Makes it
Hard toBreathe.
How could I
EverForget.

Journey's


Grieving is a Journey
It’s turning
Off of one path and
Stepping onto another

Hard to believe
How lonely I feel
On such a
busy path

I can see where
I used to walk
Sometimes I’m so close
I can almost step over to it

But my grief
Anchors my feet
Firmly on the path
Where I am now walking


As I have gotten used
To the hills and valleys
Of this path and
My stamina has returned
I can intersect with
Other paths

Joy, laughter, peace
But I can’t leave this path
It is mine to
Walk.

Cole and Logen

Cole and Logen
Together for a Moment

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